The clock always runs forward
I'm taking my shelf board tomorrow and getting a break. That also means I'm rotating out of the ER. Without a doubt I will miss it, but I know I need a little time to process what I'm going through against what I've seen.Last week I was two miscarriages in one day, which is the same number of miscarriages I was part of during OB in six weeks. While I have my suspicions about how the MOBs (mother of baby) felt about the 'demise,' the most distrubing thing I saw came from some random OB resident. One of the miscarriages happened at 18 weeks and the completition of the miscarriage needed to be helped. The resident was extremely unsympathetic and said 'oh, I stopped by and pulled 'it' out.' I thought back to my previous experiences, when the nurses wouldn't let the students into those rooms on L&D. How does the woman who experienced that loss feel about the 5 white coats standing in her room right now pretending we don't see the POC (products of conception) on the floor?
No mourning. No acknowledgement. Just go grab the ultrasound and move on with your day.
In my last two shifts, two patients died. I didn't have anything to do with their deaths, but it's sobering all the same. One was a GSW that nicked a critical blood vessel, and the other was a hemorrhage. I was the person standing in CT scanner when the head CT came back white. I was the first person to see the death sentence. At least my attending on that one cared because the wasn't any holding back on the 'god d@mn it.'
While I'm sure this is what I want to do, I need a little distance to accept all of this. I don't want to be that resident who didn't exhibit a shred of humanity. Only I still don't know how I think that I can walk home after everything and return the phone message from that cute boy, like none of this happened.
All I need is a little time. Especially since it is always running forward on everyone.
posted by Allie @ 7:58 PM
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