Caffeine Free in Med 3

Happy 1 year anniversary

When I started this blog last year, I was writing with a broken heart and belief that I may not be worth anything. I was facing Step 1 and the wide unknown of Med 3 waiting over the horizon. There was lots of anger, lots of freaking out, and general questioning of if I should or shouldn't even keep going. My future seemed to stretch in front of me as a wide expanse of loneliness and unhappiness.

In the past year, I've gone 32 hours without sleep. I lost an election, got written up, and made a few enemies in the medical community. On the other hand, I've delivered a baby by myself. I was referred to as 'doctor' by patients who wanted my advice. I danced with the dance majors at the university and earned a brown belt in judo. I wrote the first third year emergency medicine elective at my school and won the state judo championship. I discovered some amazing people on my rotations and helped some of my friends through what could be the worst times of their lives.

One year later, I am no longer questioning what I am doing. I disagree with many things in medicine, but I do not doubt that I am doing the right thing by being here. I feel that I am stronger and more in control that I was during med 2. Recently, I started reading the blog of a melanoma patient Sarah who is dying, and when she was well enough, she had written about the things she'd delayed or missed because she thought she'd have time for it later. She talked about how fear and the ease of putting things off makes all of us miss things we should be embracing.

That being said, I'm going to open up about something. For the past 5 months, I have been seeing someone, stating that it's nothing serious and that I don't want commitment. I've had this box around myself, insisting that I don't feel anything beyond the enjoyment of hanging out.

To steal portions of the Izzy' Steven's speech:
"I am an optimist. I am hopeful. I am not sure . . . [] I can't promise the future. I can't promise perfection because we're us and I'm me and who knows what will happen . . . "

What did that mean? It means that I am acknowledging my willingness to figure out if I have a future with this person. I'm not ready for 'forever' right now, and nowhere near saying the 'l word,' but I am saying that I'm not going to pretend anymore that I don't care. I see it as a very distinct possibility that things will come crashing down and I will be broken, but unless I open up to the pain, the possibility of falling for him and making things permanent does not exist.

You miss 100 percent of the swings you don't take.

Labels: failure, grey's anatomy, love, medical school, melanoma, relationships, sarah

posted by Allie @ 3:22 PM 0 comments

Impulsive - so sue me

Now that I am moving onto to my surgery rotation - which scares me alot - I'm taking a moment to slap down my true personality and assume the proper respectful Med 3 position: meek. I'm going to be at a big outside hospital that sees alot of trauma and charity cases. That puts me in line to see alot of 'poor outcomes' (aka, people are going to die on the table.) It sounds bad, but I haven't seen someone die for the past few months.

I just spent a month on neuro and psych, neither of which were my cup of tea. They are two different breeds of people. The truth is, they were WAY too laid back for me. I'm intense. It doesn't make me an intense studier necessarily, but I'm just intense. If I'm doing something, it doesn't matter what it is, I'm doing it all out.

Sometimes this leads me to doing said thing RIGHT NOW. Yeah, I'm impulsive, but I don't regret that. It makes me the intense person I am. I'm dedicated and it makes sense to do it this very second. (Greetings from a future ER physician.)

Which leads me to a pet peeve: people who say they are going to do something and then don't. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. If I don't do it, I'm sure as heck trying to do it or contacting the appropriate place and telling them why I'm not doing it. It doesn't matter what is going on elsewhere in my life; I'll probably still do it. Heck, I returned phone calls on Thanksgiving with my family in the car.

However, I have a strong suspicion that I'm going to have to clamp that off during surgery. It's going to be hard for me to because I am who I am - and you should probably not leave me alone with the patient and the scalpels when you aren't scrubbed in yet. I probably can't do the entire operation myself, but I have a pretty good idea how to start - yep, another budding ER doc. :)

Labels: impulses, personality, relationships, surgery

posted by Allie @ 5:49 PM 0 comments